Hermione the Harem Girl
by Rorschach's Blot
Summary: Hermione read 'One Thousand and One Arabian Nights' as a young girl and it gave her a rather . . . odd dream.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: OOC? You bet.

Hermione the Harem Girl

"Harry," Hermione squealed. The girl was bouncing in excitement. "Guess what I just found?"

"What?" Harry asked.

"You're allowed to have a harem," she said in excitement. "It all goes back to an old law that grants wizards that show unusual powers the right to have more then one wife. You survived the killing curse, you can speak with snakes, and you're really powerful. Each one of those qualifies."

"Oh . . . huh, good bit of trivia I guess."

"Trivia?" Hermione growled. "Do you know what this means?"

"That I can have a harem?" Harry ventured.

"That I can be in a harem," Hermione corrected. "I've wanted to be in a harem since I was a little girl and you're not going to spoil it for me."

"What?"

"I said that you're not going to spoil it for me," Hermione said firmly. "Now you go get ready while I go recruiting."

"What just happened?" Harry asked the rest of the common room.

"Not sure mate," Ron said sympathetically. "But it might be a good idea to go catch a shower. You saw how excited she was . . . we can talk her out of it later."

IIIIIIIIII

"Luna," Hermione said with a smile as she pulled out her poison darts.

"Hi Hermiiiii."

"What'd you just do?" Ginny demanded shrilly. "Annnnnnn."

"Two down," Hermione said with a satisfied smile.

"Ms. Granger, just what do you think you're doing?" McGonagall demanded.

"Kidnapping Luna and Ginny so that I can brainwash them into joining Harry's harem," Hermione replied. "Great huh?"

"Do you know how many rules you've broken?"

"None," Hermione said with a smile. "I'm even using blow darts to keep from using magic in the halls."

"We'll see about that," McGonagall said. "I shall be speaking with you soon."

"Ok," Hermione agreed as she began dragging the two girls towards the empty classroom that she'd been using as her base.

She quickly secured them and went off to hunt for the rest of what would soon be Harry's starter set.

"There you are Ms. Granger," McGonagall said. She'd found Hermione abducting another pair of girls. "I've checked the rules and you are correct, there is nothing against using poison darts on other students."

"Yes Professor."

"There is however a rule against abducting your fellow students with the intent of doing them harm," McGonagall said smugly.

"But I'm not intending to do them any Harm Professor," Hermione protested. "I'm intending to turn them into Harry's harem."

"And how does Mr. Potter feel about this?"

"I'm sure he'll come around," Hermione said flippantly. "It really isn't important."

"It's not important?" McGonagall asked in shock. "How is it that Mr. Potter's feelings are unimportant?"

"This is my dream we're talking about," Hermione explained. "I'm not going to let something like Harry's indecisiveness get in the way of achieving it."

"Very well . . . carry on then."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said sweetly.

"Mr. Potter," McGonagall muttered to herself. "Perhaps I can have him put a stop to this?" It took her only a few minutes to track down her charge. "There you are."

"Hello Professor."

"Were you aware that Ms. Granger was in the process of building you a harem?"

"She might have said something along those lines," Harry admitted.

"What are you planning to do about it?" She demanded.

"We were just going to stay out of her way," Ron offered.

"We'll try to talk some sense into her after she calms down," Harry agreed.

"But it's best just to let her do what she wants when she gets like this."

"I had to put up with the twins doing that and I won't have you two following their example," McGonagall said sharply. "Regarding Ms. Granger . . . as she's breaking no school rules, there is nothing I can do. I leave this matter in your hands Mr. Potter, do not let me down."

"So you're saying I should just give in and accept the fact that I'm gonna get a harem regardless of my feelings on the matter?" Harry asked slowly.

"Oh forget it."

IIIIIIIIII

Ginny came to and found herself strapped to a chair. "What's going on Hermione?"

"Good," Hermione said with a smile. "You're all awake."

"Why are we here?" Daphne demanded.

"You're all here because I just found out that Harry can have a harem," Hermione replied. "And I've decided to give all of you a chance to join. You'll notice that I brought two girls from every house each chosen for their beauty and intelligence. Daphne and Tracy from Slytherin. Hanna and Susan from Hufflepuff. Luna and Padma from Ravenclaw. Parvati and Ginny from Gryffindor."

"What about you?" Luna asked.

"What do you mean?"

"There are three Gryffindors with you," Luna explained. "So does that mean you need another girl from each of the other houses?"

"Maybe later," Hermione said. "I'm not here representing one of the houses. I'm here to achieve my dream."

"Of being in a harem?" Daphne asked sarcastically.

"Exactly," Hermione said. "Now naturally I'll be the first one to grace Harry's bed and . . ."

"But I wanna be first," Luna protested.

"Too bad."

"Not fair."

"I'm the one that came up with this idea so I'm the one that gets Harry first," Hermione said firmly.

"We should do it together," Luna maintained. "Otherwise we're not taking advantage of the whole harem thing."

"I'll think about it."

"You can't expect us to agree to this Granger," Tracy growled.

"I'll agree to it," Luna said quickly.

The Patil twins looked at each other in silent communication. "We're in," Padma said for both of them.

"Good," Hermione squealed. "I really didn't want to have to break up the set."

"You're insane," Daphne screamed. "Insane."

"What about the rest of you?"

"How often would we get a turn with Harry?" Hanna asked nervously.

"I've set up a schedule," Hermione said enthusiastically. "Insuring that we all get a fair amount of Harry time . . . though I suppose that could increase if we take Luna's suggestion."

"I'm in," Hanna agreed.

"Hanna?" Susan asked in shock.

"You haven't seen what he has under those loose clothes of his," Hanna said wickedly.

"And you have?"

"I might have gotten a peak at those pictures Colin was passing around," Hanna admitted with a blush. "And he's had a few years of growing since then."

"Nice?"

"Very."

"Hufflepuff's in too," Susan said with a bit of drool coming out of the corner of her mouth.

"Ginny?"

"I don't want to share him," Ginny whined.

"I'll be sure to schedule time for each of us to have time to have him for ourselves."

"Well . . ." Ginny's mind was racing, here was a chance to achieve her childhood dream. Granted, not in the way she'd imagined. But mum had always said that life and relationships were all about making compromises.

"We still haven't agreed to this," Daphne shouted.

"Now, were there any questions before I begin the orientation?"

"Why'd you kidnap us?" Susan asked. "Why not just sit us down and talk to us?"

"Tradition," Hermione said firmly. "All the best harems in history have been the product of kidnapping and forced enslavement."

"Ah . . . alright then."

"You're all bloody nuts."

"Daphne, if you don't quiet down and let me speak then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to put a silencing charm on you . . . and I'll have to punish you later."

"Will there be spankings?" Luna asked eagerly.

"Yes Luna, there will be."

"Yay," Luna cheered.

"First thing you need to know is what your uniform will look like." Hermione stripped out of her robes and donned an outfit not seen since the last rerun of 'I Dream of Genie.'

"Oooh, stylish."

"Tracy?" Daphne said in betrayal.

"Just saying that I liked it."

"Thank you," Hermione beamed. "I worked really hard on it."

"It shows," Tracy gushed. "Do you think I could get one in blue?"

"To match your eyes?"

"Exactly."

"Am I the . . . screw it," Daphne sighed in defeat. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I'm in too."

"Horay," Hermione cheered. "I knew you'd come around. Ok, the first thing we need to do is practice our harem skills."

"Harem skills?"

"Dancing, kissing, that sort of thing." Hermione explained.

"How are we going to do that?"

"Ok," Hermione said firmly. "I want everyone to pair up. Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, Gryffindors and Slytherins. We're going to breakdown house rivalry and practice kissing at the same time."

"Practice kissing?" Hanna asked weakly.

"Ok," Luna agreed, homing in on the shy Ravenclaw's lips.

"Just kissing Luna," Hermione said with a smile. "You don't have to put your hand up her shirt . . . good initiative though."

"Parvati, Ginny, Tracy, Daphne. Why are you four just looking at each other?" Hermione stormed over and grabbed Daphne by the collar. "Like this," she said then proceeded to give the other girl a tonsil cleaning kiss. "Understand? I want this harem to work out."

"Yeah," Daphne mumbled. "Work out."

"My turn?" Luna asked hopefully.

"Fine," Hermione agreed giving Luna a kiss. "Now go back to practicing." She watched what was happening with a satisfied smile. Excellent.

IIIIIIIIII

"There you are Mr. Potter."

"Hello again Professor McGonagall," Harry replied. "Have you found a way to stop Hermione yet?"

"As I said before," McGonagall sighed. "Nothing she's doing is against school rules and it is up to you."

"And as I've said before, we're just going to let her run out of steam before we try talking sense into her."

"That's not good enough," McGonagall growled. "I won't have students building harems while I'm headmistress. Come with me Mr. Potter."

"Where are we going?"

"We're going to the seraglio that Ms. Granger set up to train your new concubines."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes . . . any idea why Ms. Granger is so set on building you a harem?"

"She said something about having wanted to be a harem girl since she was a little girl," Harry said with a shrug. "I gave up trying to figure out how she thinks a long time ago."

"Yes . . . well . . . here we are," McGonagall stopped in front of an old unused classroom. "Get to it."

"Get to what?"

"Just go in and talk to her," McGonagall said in exasperation. "Now Mr. Potter."

"Fine," Harry sighed. "Here's nothing."

"Harry?" Hermione greeted him when he came in. "You're early."

"Sorry."

"No, it's ok." Hermione said quickly. "I think we're ready. Luna, lap dance now."

"Ok," Luna agreed with a sultry smile as she began walking towards Harry.

"For Daphne," Hermione snapped. "I called first remember?"

"Oh right," Luna said. "I thought you wanted me to warm him up for you."

"Maybe later," Hermione said as she pushed Harry down onto a pile of silk cushions. "Padma, Parvati, I want you guys to stand to either side and start fanning him. Susan, Hanna, you two are on pealed grapes. Tracy, Ginny . . . lap dances."

Harry's eyes bulged as his brain finally processed the scene in front of him, why had he had a problem with this before? Oh right . . . nope, lost it. Must not have been important, having Hermione build him a Harem was the best idea he'd ever had.

AN: Just saw a scene where Harry got a harem due to arranged marriages and Hermione was pissed about being included. So I thought, hey maybe Hermione's always wanted to be in a harem wouldn't that be fun to write? Might right more of this, the thought of Hermione in a harem girl's outfit going around Hogwarts recruiting might be too much to resist.

Omake: Odd Internships

How did Harry end up interning with the Death Eaters you ask? Well, it all started when . . .

"What?" McGonagall asked flatly.

"I want to intern with Voldemort," Harry repeated. "It's perfectly safe, magic itself will prevent him from harming me wont it?"

"Well yes but . . ."

"And any laws I violate will be ignored so long as they're necessary for me to succeed in the career that I'm interning at right?"

"Yes but . . ."

"So what's the problem?"

"The fact that you want to intern with Voldemort," McGonagall screamed. "Are you mad? Do you know what this program is designed to do?"

"To provide valuable work experience for students over winter holiday," Harry droned.

"Exactly," McGonagall agreed. "Your friend Ms. Granger is going to be shadowing me, your friend Mr. Weasley is going to spend time with a professional Quidditch team, why in the bloody hell do you want to intern with the Dark Lord?"

"Sun tzu."

"What the bloody hell is Sun bloody Tzu?"

"Chinese general who wrote what Hermione tells me was the first text on warfare."

"And what the hell does that wanker have to do with anything?"

"He wrote, and I quote; 'know thy enemy and know thy self and you will always be victorious.' Understand now Professor?"

"No I don't," McGonagall screamed. "But since I can't talk you out of this bloody idiotic notion, then get to it you bleeding fool."

"Thanks Professor," Harry said with a smile. "Good to know that I've got your support on this."

When McGonagall finally got around to confronting Hermione about her friend's actions, the girl could only stammer the words 'that's not what I ment, Harry you idiot.'

The background explained, why don't we get back to the presant.

"You came here?" Voldemort asked in shock. "Willingly?"

"Yep," Harry agreed.

"Oh happy day, cru . . ."

"Hold up old bean," Harry said. "I'm afraid you can't do that."

"Why not?" Voldemort asked, sounding much like a petulant child.

"I'm interning as a Dark Lord not a minion," Harry explained. "You'll loose your magic if you or any of your followers curse me . . . which in retrospect would be great, curse away."

"You won't trick me Potter," Voldemort said smugly.

"Darn," Harry snapped his fingers. "I mean, my plan worked . . . and I tricked you . . . curse away."

"Nice try Potter," Voldemort sneered. "You're going to have to do better then that if you want to beat me."

"Ok," Harry agreed. "Now how do you call a meeting?"

"Like so," the Dark Lord sighed. This was going to be a very vexing experience.

"Reducto, reducto, reducto." Harry killed the first three Death Eaters to arrive.

"And why pray tell did you do that?" Voldemort asked calmly.

"Didn't like the way they looked at me," Harry explained. "Reducto. And the handbook said that it was perfectly ok to kill any minion at any time for any reason. Reducto."

"There's a handbook?" Voldemort asked in shock.

"Yep, in the restricted section."

"Why didn't anyone tell me there was a handbook?"

"Maybe no one likes you," Harry said. "Reducto."

Three hours later, there was a rather large pile of corpses in the Dark Lord's lair and a rather small group of terrified followers.

"Minions," Voldemort began. "I'm afraid we're going to have to cancel bingo night."

"Awwww."

"Reducto, reducto, reducto, reducto." Harry killed several more minions. "They made a sound during your speech," he explained. "The handbook says that it's strictly forbidden to make a sound during the Dark Lord's speech."

"Fine," Voldemort sighed. "As I was saying . . ."

"Reducto."

"Damn it, what now?"

"He wet himself."

"Whatever, just stop doing that. I've only got three minions left."

"Reducto," Harry incanted. "Make that two."

"Do you know how hard it will be to build back up from having only two minions?" Voldemort demanded.

"Reducto," Harry incanted again. "Make that one."

"Um . . . excuse me?" The one minion said nervously.

"What is it Steve?" Voldemort asked.

"I'd like to request some time off," Steve replied. "Until he's gone."

"I understand, fine you may . . ."

"Reducto," Harry said quickly. "Never ask me for time off."

"That's it, get out." Voldemort said harshly. "Now."

"But I was having so much fun," Harry protested.

"I don't care," Voldemort growled. "I said get out, find another internship, get drunk, kill someone else, I don't care just get out."

"Can we say I'm still having an internship, just away from here?"

"Whatever, just leave."

"Ok," Harry agreed. He had a short stop at the Ministry to make before returning to school.

After a rather . . . eventful afternoon, Harry returned to McGonagall's office.

"And that's how I spent my internship," Harry said proudly.

"Spent what?" Hermione asked. "It started this morning. And you didn't explain anything, just walked into the office and said 'and that's how I spent my internship.'"

"Very good Hermione," McGonagall said with a fond smile. "You just need to work a bit on your stern look, I find that practicing in front of mirrors helps."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said. "Well Harry, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"That I need a new internship," Harry replied. "I got kicked out of my last one . . . can you do that by the way?"

"How'd you manage to do that?"

"I killed all his followers then Fudge, Umbridge, and a few other people." Harry answered honestly. "Course since I was a Dark Lord trainee, it was alright to do whatever I wanted."

AN: Popped into my head, not sure why.


	2. Study Study Study

Disclaimer: As I do not have a harem, my descriptions are not based on personal experience.

Study Study Study

McGonagall stood by the door listening for a few minutes, just long enough to know that Harry had failed her. She should have known better then to send boy to do a . . . well, do do anything involving a harem aside from what he was doing at the moment. Curses, she'd have to go with plan b.

After several . . . eventful hours, Harry finally started looking around.

"What's this?" He asked with a sinking feeling.

"That's a schedule I worked out," Hermione explained proudly. "And I made sure you have plenty of time to study."

"Couldn't there be a bit less study time?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Only if you get better grades," Hermione said firmly. "Remember, your actions reflect on the rest of us now."

"Of course," he sighed. He knew there was a catch, he just knew it.

"Your hang out with Ron time is coming up," Hermione said thoughtfully. "Be back in thirty minutes."

"Why thirty minutes?"

"Because that's how much recovery time the book said you'd need," Hermione said absently. "Luna, you're with me next time."

"Thank you Hermione."

"Me too?" Hanna asked hopefully.

"Alright."

"Thanks."

Harry slipped out of the room while the girls determined who got to go next . . . and while he wasn't quite sure what they meant, he was sure that it did not bode well for him. What can I say, boy's got no inner eye.

A few short minutes later, Harry was back in the common room being confronted by his friends.

"Well?" Ron demanded.

"You were right," Harry admitted sadly. "It is all just a plot to make me study and get better grades."

"I knew it," Ron said in triumph. "And she knew I was too smart to fall for a plan that simple."

"What was I supposed to do?" Harry demanded. "She's got McGonagall helping her."

"I guess you're right mate," Ron said sadly. "Only one thing we can do now."

"Yeah?"

"Pray to god that she's satisfied with you and doesn't start trapping the rest of us," Ron replied. "Study hard Harry, study so we don't have to."

IIIIIIIIII

"Thank you for taking the time to meet with me, Mr. Granger, Mrs. Granger."

"Not at all Professor McGonagall, now what was it you wished to speak with us about?"

"It's about your daughter I'm afraid."

"What is it?" Hermione's mother demanded. "What's wrong with Hermione?"

"I'm afraid she recently discovered an obscure law that allows wizards who have obscure magical powers to form their own harems and . . ."

"She took it upon herself to build a harem," Hermione's father groaned. "Who is it? Tell me that he'll at least treat her well."

"It's her friend Harry Potter," McGonagall said incredulously. "You can't tell me you're ok with this."

"Ok, no," her mother sighed. "Accept it, yes."

"It's our own fault for nurturing her love of reading," her father added. "She read a 'Thousand and One Arabian Nights' as a child and somehow got the idea that a seraglio was some sort of combination library and sorority house."

"The fact that she got a boyfriend out of the deal was icing on the cake so far as she was concerned," her mother explained. "We tried to explain it to her but . . . well . . ."

"She figured that the other harem girls would be her friends and she's always been such a shy girl."

"It didn't help things when she discovered 'I Dream of Jeannie' reruns on the tele."

"Thought the costume was very stylish."

"So you're not going to do anything about it?" McGonagall asked slowly.

"Of course we're going to do something about it," her mother said quickly.

"It took us ten years to find the only support group in Europe for parents who's daughters have joined or formed harems," her father groaned. "I was hoping we'd never get a chance to join . . ."

"I see . . . thank you for your time them," McGonagall said dully as she wandered out of the room.

"At least she picked her friend as the harem master?" Her mother said with a weak grin.

"Probably planned things that way since her first year . . . this is your fault you know."

"How is it my fault?"

"You're the smarter one in this relationship, she got her brains from you."

"Well she got her stubbornness from you."

"Let's just agree it's the fault of whoever wrote that damn book . . ."

"And designed the 'I Dream of Jeannie' costumes."

"And designed the 'I Dream of Jeannie' costumes."

IIIIIIIIII

"Very good Harry," Hermione said with a predatory smile. "You finished your homework early. That means we have more time to study . . . other things."

"Like what?"

"Anatomy."

"OH GOD I LOVE HOMEWORK," Harry screamed a few sweaty minutes later.

In the Gryffindor common room, a moment of silence was called after they heard Harry's cry. One of their own had fallen to darkness.

"Poor Harry," Ron lamented.

"He will be missed," Seamus intoned.

IIIIIIIIII

Minerva was sitting in her office trying to find a way to dissuade Ms. Granger from her insistence on being a member of a Harem when Harry burst through the door.

"Yes Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asked sternly.

"Here's my homework." Harry practically threw it at the woman. "Everything you've assigned including the extra credit."

"Thank you Mr. Potter," she said a bit softer. "Have you . . ." She found herself speaking to Harry's back as he left the room at a dead run.

"Can't talk now Professor," Harry yelled over his shoulder. "I gotta go study more anatomy."

"Well . . . maybe this harem thing isn't so bad after all," she mused. "I should have known that Ms. Granger would find creative was of forcing Mr. Potter to study."

IIIIIIIIII

While Harry and the rest of the Harem were 'studying' anatomy, Hermione was in the Headmaster's office.

"What can I do for you Ms. Granger?"

"I was doing a bit of light reading and I found something horrible," Hermione said stiffly.

"Oh?"

"I found that you've been violating school procedure," Hermione continued. "Now I think we can get everything taken care of before Daphne and Tracy tell their fathers."

"Who just happen to be on the Board of Governors," Dumbledore sighed. "What is it Ms. Granger?"

"According to regulation seven thirty five dash two paragraph one subsection a," she began. "Any sanctioned harem is to be given appropriate quarters and resources."

"Yes I'm aware of that regulation," Dumbledore agreed. "What of it?"

"You have yet to give any of that to Harry's harem," Hermione said sternly. "Now I'm willing to overlook this so long as I'm assured that it was just an oversight on your part and with your assurance that the situation will be remedied as soon as possible."

"Harry has a harem?" Dumbledore was still stuck on the last thought. "How'd he manage that? The paperwork alone takes hours to fill out . . . and that's just the paperwork to get the paperwork to get the paperwork."

"It wasn't that difficult," she said while examining her fingernails. "Most of the work involved correcting the errors on the forms."

"I . . . see."

"Well?"

"You're getting the Ministry stipend and everything?"

"Form two forty one allowed me to drain the fund set up for that due to regulation sixteen dash four subsection a one. Which specified that after two hundred years of laying idle, the fund shall go to who so ever registers the first harem."

"Which just happens to be Mr. Potter."

"Now about those quarters," Hermione steered the conversation back to the original topic. "They're going to have to be large so we have room for the library . . ."

"Library?" Dumbledore's eyebrows shot up. "Of course . . . go on Ms. Granger."

"And I'm going to want several bathrooms," Hermione continued. "Plus space to expand."

AN: Wrote a bit more of this.

OMAKE: Dark Internships . . . Defence Professor.

"Thank you for joining us on such short notice," Dumbledore said warmly.

"Happy to have a chance to teach at Hogwarts," the new Professor said. "But what happened to the old DADA Professor?"

"I'm afraid that she was killed," Dumbledore said sadly. "Terribly tragic."

"Voldemort?"

"Sort of," Dumbledore agreed quickly. "The important thing is that Harry Potter has chosen to intern as a Defence Against Dark Arts Professor."

"Yes you mentioned that," the man agreed. "One of the things that encouraged me to take the job."

"Yes . . . well . . . I suggest that you don't pay any mind to any odd behavior Harry might choose to exhibit."

"I . . . see?" The man frowned. "Well, if you'll excuse me I must be going."

"Good idea, Harry is waiting outside and I'm sure you're eager to meet with him."

"Yes Headmaster." He got out of his chair and walked down the stairs to meet Harry.

"You the new DADA Professor?" Harry asked.

"I am."

"Great," Harry enthused. "When are we gonna kill Harry Potter?"

"What?"

"Every DADA Professor in the past has attempted to do me grievous bodily harm," Harry explained. "Granted, one of them didn't intend to harm me but there you are. I was thinking that we could pretend to befriend him and . . ."

"But you're Harry Potter," he blurted.

"And?"

"Don't you think it's a bit odd to try an elaborate plan to kill yourself?"

"Good point."

"So I think we should . . ."

"Switch places," Harry agreed. "You be Harry Potter and I'll be you . . . for the purposes of killing Harry Potter that is. Works for me Professor, good thinking."

"I . . ."

"So what do we do next?"

"We forget about this plan to kill each other."

"I'm not sure what you're talking about Professor," Harry said innocently. "No clue at all."

IIIIIIIIII

Hermione was sitting in the common room holding a hand mirror and practicing her stern expression. "Needs a bit more glare," she mused. Hermione looked up as Harry entered the room. "What's this I hear about trying to kill the Defence Professor?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Harry replied. "What are you doing?"

"Practicing," Hermione replied shooting him a stern look. "How is it?"

"Could curdle milk," he said cheerfully.

"Really?" She asked hopefully. "You're not just saying that are you?"

"Really."

"Thank you Harry," she said emotionally. "That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."

"I mean it too," Harry assured her. "Got a letter from Ron."

"Oh?"

"He's been given an offer, he's going to be starting this summer."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"He must have been really good in the tryouts."

"He didn't have a tryout."

"Then . . . how?"

"The Cannons were . . . well, there's no good way to say this. The Cannons aren't a very . . . uh . . . well he showed up and they gave him a job."

"Good for him," Hermione said warmly. "How's the pay?"

"It's still a professional team, even if it is the lowest ranked one."

"Good . . . now about that Defence Professor," she demanded. "Why exactly are you planning to kill him?"

"I'm not planning to kill him Hermione."

"Well?"

"Every Defence Professor has attempted to do me grievous bodily harm," Harry said flippantly. "I thought it would be fun to be on the other side for a change."

"That doesn't excuse your attempt at murder."

"The other thing about the Defence Professors is that they never succeed," Harry continued. "I'm not actually going to hurt him."

"Oh . . . well . . . I must confess that I was worried there for a second. After you killed all those Death Eaters, Ministry Officials, and Telemarketers."

"They were all evil," Harry protested. "This Defence Professor has a very good chance of not dieing if he doesn't try to kill me . . . or annoy me."

"You can't just kill him for annoying you."

"Why not?"

"What do you mean why not?"

"The Defence Professor handbook suggests killing annoying students," Harry pontificated. "But only if they're really annoying."

"Let me see that . . . oh . . . well . . . hmmm."

"See."

"Yes, well I still don't want you to kill him."

"But the handbook says . . ."

"I'm interning as the Deputy Headmistress," Hermione interrupted. "And according to my handbook, I outrank you."

"You win this round Hermione, but next time . . . next time."

"Yes, yes, good, good."

IIIIIIIIII

"Morning Professor," Harry said cheerfully. "I see you're eating the eggs . . . excellent."

The fork froze half way to his mouth. "What's wrong with the eggs?"

"Hmm, oh nothing . . . nothing at all." Harry said with a devilish grin. "Enjoy your breakfast . . . be sure to have some of the bacon too."

The man put down his fork and stared at his food for a few minutes. "I'll be in the hospital wing if anyone needs me."

Harry went to his seat next to Hermione and watched the man leave with a smirk.

"So what'd you do to his food?"

"Not a thing," Harry said cheerfully. "Why do you ask?"

"Uh huh."

AN: Yet another piece of Dark Internships.


	3. Hermione the Bureaucrat

Disclaimer: All the best harems have eunuch guards, this may be explored in later chapters.

Hermione the Bureaucrat

Hermione led her band of looters into the Ministry building with one thing on their minds . . . looting . . . er that is to say, decorating. A seraglio was such a difficult place to maintain and it wasn't very cheery as it was, all those stone walls and such. Walking past a startled Ministry flunky, Hermione began eyeing things to determine what would be chosen and what would be left behind.

"Tracy be sure to get that table there," Hermione commanded. "And those bookshelves."

"Right," the girl agreed. "You want the lamps too?"

"Hmmm . . . might as well. Susan, I want you to take care of the carpet, be sure you clean it before you take it home to Harry."

"It'll be the cleanest carpet in the world when I'm done with it," Susan said proudly. "Even if I have to get down on my hands and knees and lick it clean."

"Good, have Hanna help you."

"Ok."

"Daphne," Hermione said as she turned to the other girl. "Stop by the Minister's office and see if there's anything that'll go with the theme."

"I think I saw some tapestries," she mused as she left the room.

"Luna."

"Yes Hermione?"

"Stand absolutely still and don't do anything except breath and so on unless there is an emergency or I tell you otherwise, emergency being defined as what I think it would be not what you would."

"Can I hum to myself?"

"In a reasonable tone."

"HMMMMMM."

"My definition of reasonable," Hermione said quickly.

"Awww."

"What exactly are you girls doing?" The Ministry flunky managed to say after a fair bit of looting had been done.

"Shopping," Hermione said absently. "See if you can get those candle holders out of the wall, blast the stone out of the way if you have to."

"You can't just come in here and take what you like," he screeched. "There are laws against that."

"Of course we can't just come in and take what we like," Hermione said with an offended look on her face. "What do you take us for?"

"Good then . . ."

"I have the proper paperwork right here," she continued. "As you can see, everything is in order."

"This says . . ."

"The Ministry is required by the 'Magic Reconstruction act of 1097' to, and I quote: 'give any reasonable aid to an established harem' unquote."

"Yes but . . ."

"And I conducted a survey in compliance with decree six fifteen dash two fifty three to establish that a reasonable person agrees that furniture, clothing, books, and so on are reasonable things to be provided."

"That may be but . . ."

"After that, I sent in notorised copies of my findings by registered letter. I then filled out form fifteen dash five dash three six two dash alpha one and included a copy of my survey and the receipt for the registered letter."

"I see . . . everything seems to be in order then," the bureaucrat sighed. It was an odd experience being on the other side of a paperwork blitz. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Just be sure to have the Department of Mysteries send along their time turners and copies of their research and library within the next twenty four hours," she said after a moment of thought. "Originals if they can't be copied."

"Another 'reasonable' request?"

"They have the paperwork," Hermione sniffed.

IIIIIIIIII

"It all started when she was a little girl," she said slowly. "Her grandmother sent her a copy of 'A Thousand and One Arabian Nights.' Even before she could read, she was always begging me to read it to her. I . . . I didn't see any harm at the time."

"At first we thought it was cute how she would go around declaring that she would be in a harem one day," he took up where his wife left off. "We never thought . . . we never thought . . ." He began sobbing and the couple held each other.

Hermione's parents watched as the other couple told of their experiences, it was nice to know that they were not alone.

IIIIIIIIII

"So Hermione wants to give me a job huh?" Ron asked with an odd look on his face.

"Some sort of guard," Harry agreed. "She keeps going on about how all the good seraglios were guarded by eunuch guards and thought you might want the job."

"What's an eunuch?"

"Don't know mate." Harry looked down at his watch and froze. "Gotta go."

"What's wrong?"

"Time to study," Harry called out over his shoulder as he ran off. "STUDY STUDY STUDY."

"Poor bastard," Ron sighed. "It's terrible to see what those girls have done to you."

IIIIIIIIII

"Hermione," Tonks came in with a team of Aurors. "I'm going to have to ask you to . . ."

"Tonks," Hermione interrupted. "Just who I wanted to see."

"Oh?"

"Yup," she agreed. Hermione pulled out an odd looking box and pushed it into the Auror's midsection.

"Wha . . ." Tonks managed to get her want half way out of it's holster before she collapsed to the ground.

"What was that?" Luna asked.

"I figured out a way to enchant a small block of wood to fire stunners at close range," Hermione explained. "It's much more efficient then my old dart gun."

"And it lets you use magic without using magic," Tracy said with a smile. "Nice work."

"Thank you."

"Just what do you think you're doing lass?" Moody asked with a dangerous frown.

"Kidnapping her into Harry's harem," Hermione explained slowly. "What did you think I was doing?"

"And just why do you think I'm going to allow you to do that?" Moody growled.

"I've got all the appropriate paperwork filled out," Hermione said innocently. "See?"

A leer blossomed on Moody's face as he read. "Have fun then."

"Thanks Professor," Hermione said happily.

"Just one thing."

"Yes?"

"There's a rather nice Persian carpet in the Minister's private washroom, I'm told it's almost five hundred years old and charmed to be like new."

"Tracy, get on it."

"Should we roll the Auror up into the carpet before we go?"

"Yes, yes I think we should. And hurry up," she added. "It's almost time for our next anatomy lesson with Harry and I don't want to be late."

The girls redoubled their efforts and were on their way back to Hogwarts in no time.

IIIIIIIIII

"Hey Nev, you know what an eunuch is?"

"Sounds familiar . . . why?"

"Hermione wants to make me one," Ron said with a shrug. "I'm thinking of doing it."

"Don't you think you should look up what it is first?" Neville asked with a frown. "I'm sure I remember something bad about it."

"Dictionaries are for nerds," Ron snorted. "Why the hell would someone as cool and manly as me look at one?"

"Still . . . I'm sure the word 'eunuch' is a bad one. I keep having chills go up my spine and I keep getting this odd impulse to cross my legs and cry like a little girl."

"It'll be fine Nev," Ron said with a grin. "If you like, I can put in a good word for you so you can become a eunuch too."

AN: Little more of this dripped out, and since some of this dripped out then more internships are sure to follow . . . right now.

Omake: Evil Internships

"I can't take it any longer," the DADA Professor sobbed. "I gotta get out of here. Aieeeeeee."

The rest of the Professors watched in shock as their former colleague ran out of the great hall and away from the 'boy-who-lived' forever.

"Well Severus, you finally get your wish," Dumbledore said with a grandfatherly smile.

"You mean you're letting me quit so I don't have to suffer these dunderheads anymore."

"No, since I can't find a replacement, you get to be the new DADA professor."

Snape turns his head toward Potter who was looking straight at him with a maniacal grin. "No thanks, I'll stick with potions. In fact, I need to go tutor Mr. Longbottom. Um. Bye." Snape fled to the safety of his dungeon and began brewing a calming potion.

"Hey Professor," Harry said cheerfully.

"What are you doing here Potter?" Snape asked in shock. "And how long have you been here?"

"Well . . . Potions is so useful that . . ."

"I'll give you fifty thousand points and an 'O' in the course if you'll turn around and walk out of my classroom."

"Hmmm . . . got any money?"

IIIIIIIIII

"And you're sure you've managed to curb Mr. Potter's . . . ideas?"

"Yes Professor," Hermione agreed. "I merely had to point out that as he was interning as a professor and I was interning as the Deputy Headmistress, I out ranked him."

"Excellent work Ms. Granger."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione said with a happy smile.

"Stern look Ms. Granger."

"Yes Professor."

IIIIIIIIII

"Professor Dumbledore, can I speak with you for a minute?" Harry asked.

"What is it Harry?"

"I've decided that I'd like to change my internship again," Harry sighed. "After the Defence Professor left, I came to a realisation."

"What was that Harry?"

"That I'd like to know what it's like to be the Headmaster," Harry explained.

"Harry I'm . . . I'm honored you'd . . . yes of course."

"Thank you Professor," Harry said with an evil grin. "The honor is all mine." They chatted for the next few minutes about the importance of the Headmaster's position before going their separate ways.

The screams started approximately five minutes later, after Albus went into his office.

"Well Mr. Potter?" McGonagall asked with a stern glare that was matched by Hermione at her side.

"Quite well, Ms. McGonagall." Harry replied. "A touch of wind, and I stubbed my toe last night, but other than that . . ."

"What have you done to the Headmaster?" Hermione asked sternly.

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Harry said with a twinkel in his eye. "But I did warn him that he was not to go into his office unless he wished to risk a certain maiming."

"And why was that?"

"Because of the giant angry badgers I had guarding the ring of immortality," Harry said serenely. "It's for the greater good you know . . . shot of whiskey?"

"I thought you were suppose to offer lemon drops?"

"I got rid of all those and replaced them with transfigured dung bombs," Harry replied. "Of course they'll return to normal after prolonged exposure to saliva."

"But . . . why would you do such a thing to Albus?"

"Just ask Hermione's parents," Harry explained. "Sugar is bad for your teeth. I though it in his best interests to wean him of his dependency."

"I . . . uh . . . see."

"It really is for his own good," Harry said. In the background Dumbledore's horrific screaming ceased, leading many to believe that he had overcome the first obstacle. "And with that in mind, we need to start thinking of Albus's home for the remainder of the holiday."

"His home?"

"Yes," Harry agreed. "I was thinking that we could put him in a crooked retirement home . . . the kind they show on the tele where the patients are beaten and robbed."

"Why ever would you do that?" Hermione demanded.

"Very good Ms. Granger," McGonagall said fondly. "Just the right tone."

"Thank you Professor," Hermione replied with a slight blush. "Well Harry?"

"He'll be safe there of course," Harry said absently. "Shot of whiskey?"

"You think he'll be safe in an abusive environment?"

"I'd have used 'among those people,'" McGonagall mused. "But still good."

"There are reasons behind my actions that you can not comprehend," Harry said as he took yet another swig of whiskey. "In our world he's treated like a celebrity. It really is for the best." Harry turned to leave. "Oh, incidentally Hermione since I've started interning as the Headmaster . . . I outrank you."

"Damn."

AN: Thanks go to Max, and neil.reynolds for a few things in this chapter.

OMAKE: Make Mum Proud

"Mr. Potter please stay behind for a moment," Snape ordered without looking up from his desk. 

"Yes sir," Harry agreed nervously. He had just undergone his first potions lesson and he was more then a bit reluctant to stay behind.

"Have a seat Mr. Potter," Snape sighed. "Would you like to know why I asked you so many questions?"

"Yes sir," Harry agreed nervously.

"Mr. Potter . . . Harry, I knew your parents." Snape said. "Your mother . . . your mother was a good friend of mine until I foolishly threw away that friendship because of jealously and youthful stupidity."

"What about my father?"

"Your father and I . . . did not get along," Snape said without a hint of emotion. "Rather like your relationship with my godson."

"Godson?"

"Draco," Snape explained. "But worse, much much worse. I won't give you any details because I believe a boy should look up to his father, but let's just say that he treated several people very badly."

"He did sir?"

"I'm afraid he did," Snape said. "Your mother on the other hand was an angel, perfect in every way. I asked you those questions because I wanted to see if you lived up to her legacy."

"Her legacy sir?"

"The most brilliant witch of her day," Snape said with a smile. "One very much like Ms. Grange but less of a know it all. I asked you those questions because I had hoped that . . . no matter, that will be all Mr. Potter."

"Yes sir." Harry's thoughts were churning when he left the potions classroom. Would his mother have been proud of him? Would she be proud of a boy that hadn't studied at all before classes. But the Dursleys . . . he tried to protest. Hadn't been able to control him since he got on the train, he thought savagely. He'd had plenty of time to study. His mind made up, Harry's shoulders straightened. He'd make his mum proud.

AN: Could be a good Snape idea, but I'm a bit leery of that since I see him using emotional black mail to get Harry to do . . . whatever. Got this idea from a thread in my group.

Omake: The Power of Potion

"Remember," Hermione whispered a few last instructions. "It'll only last for about thirty seconds, so make them count."

Harry just nodded in agreement.

"You'll have to do the job quickly," she repeated herself. "Please Harry, don't hesitate."

Harry just smiled, a lifetime with the Dursley family had erased any hesitation he could have ever had that would have interfered with the plan.

"Good luck mate," Ron said thickly. "Jus . . . just don't . . . good luck mate."

Harry just nodded in thanks.

"Hurry up boy," Vernon growled. "I don't want to be here all day."

Shooting one last look at his friends, Harry grabbed his trunk and loaded it into his uncle's car.

"Keep your bloody mouth shut while we drive," Vernon growled. "Don't want to hear a peep outta you this summer. Just keep your bloody trap shut you hear?"

Harry gave a slow satisfied nod, things were going even better then he could have hoped. The drive seemed to take forever and Harry was trembling with antisipation when the care finally rolled to a halt in front of number four privvy drive.

"Get out," Vernon snapped. "Freak."

Harry stepped out of the car and faced Vernon. Giving one last smile, he swallowed the potion he'd been holding in his mouth since the Express had rolled into the station. Normally, a twelve year old boy would be no match for a grown man. Normally Vernon's greater size and strength would make any such match a forgone conclusion. With the potion racing through his system, this fight would be anything but normal.

Harry drove the tips of his fingers into the fat man's throat with the intent of pushing them through to the other side. Not even sparing a moment of thought to the fact that he hadn't managed to land a killing blow, Harry balled a fist and drove it into Vernon's floating ribs. Harry only had a few second of time before the effects of the potion faded and his enhanced strength, speed, and durability disappeared and he'd be damned if he didn't make them count.

Vernon screamed as he felt his bones break and shatter, no more would he have the ability to beat his nephew, no more would he be a big man, no more would he have the satisfaction of walking without crutches. Vernon was learning something, victims can only be pushed so far before they decide to push back.

Harry sighed in disappointment as his last kick hit without the power he'd possessed only moments before.

"Goodbye Vernon," he said with a happy smile. It was much lighter then he'd intended, but nothing could wipe the glee out of his voice as he looked down at his handy work. "We'll have to do this again sometime." Message delivered, Harry drew his wand and walked to the corner. He had a bus to catch.

AN: Hermione and Ron help Harry do something about his home life in one of the earlier books. The trio researches a way to even the odds without using a wand and brew a potion that makes him faster, stronger, and tougher but only for a very short amount of time. They also find out about the Knight Bus and Harry uses it to escape. Don't believe I've seen this one either.


	4. Gabrielle Gets Sacked

Disclaimer: Hey, it could happen.

Gabrielle Gets Sacked

"Weasel," Draco sneered.

"Ferret."

"Still wearing your brother's clothes I see," Draco observed with a smirk. "Family still can't afford to clothe you in anything but rags."

"You won't be able to say that much longer," Ron laughed. "I've got a new job."

"Circus short on trained monkeys then?" Draco asked.

"No," Ron said proudly. "Hermione's hiring me to be a eunuch for Harry's Harem."

"What?" Draco asked flatly, he'd gone paler then usual.

"A eunuch," Ron repeated himself. "Jealous?"

"Not even a little bit," Draco replied as he began backing up. "And you want this to happen?"

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "It pays really well."

"She's not . . . she's not planning to recruit more eunuchs the same way she recruited the harem is she?" Draco had a crazed look on his face.

"Maybe," Ron replied with a shrug.

"Then if you'll excuse me," Draco said as he turned. "I have to go pack my things."

"Finally leaving huh?" Ron asked with a satisfied smile.

"No way in hell I'm coming within a thousand miles of this godforsaken place," Draco agreed as he saunter turned into a run. "I'm not letting anyone take Mutt and Jeff from me."

"Mutt and Jeff?" Ron asked the empty hall. "Hmmmm." He found himself in a bit of an odd situation, while he was sure that eunuch was just another term for 'super cool wizard,' a seed of doubt had been planted in his mind. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to check a dictionary after all? He thought for about two seconds before discarding the idea. No, what he needed was to have someone else check a dictionary for him, but who?

"Did I just see Malfoy?" Neville asked as he walked up to Ron.

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "Why?"

"The look on his face," Neville replied with a shudder.

"Say Neville," Ron began.

"Yeah Ron?"

"How'd you like to do me a favor?"

"How'd you like to tell me what you're offering first?" Neville retorted.

"Uh . . ."

"Desert for a month," Neville mused. "Depending on what the favor is."

"Half of my desert for a day," Ron said quickly. "I just want you to look up a word."

"Two days," Neville said. "Final offer."

"Fine," Ron agreed. "I need you to find out what eunuch means."

"Sure," Neville agreed. "I'll get right on it."

IIIIIIIIII

Tonks woke up blindfolded and tied to a chair. She felt a brief moment of disorientation as her mind franticly searched for an explanation.

"She's awake," a strange yet familiar voice said. "How do you want to do this?"

"We break her," another voice said sadistically. "Be break her and reform her into our lord's loyal servant and bodyguard."

Tonks began hyperventilating as she tried to remember what she'd learned in the afternoon they'd spent in the academy 'learning' how to act and endure if they ever found themselves in just such a situation.

"I can't help but think I'm forgetting something," the sadistic voice said coldly. "Oh right . . . Tonks, the safety word is banana."

"Banana?" Tonks said dumbly, only to have the blindfold removed by a pouting Luna Lovegood.

"You didn't even give us a chance to tickle your feet with feathers," Luna complained.

"What's going on here?" Tonks waled.

"Hermione got a letter so she's out doing something and can't break you into a useful member of Harry's harem," Luna explained. "So she gave the task to us, isn't that grand?"

IIIIIIIIII

"I found out what it means," Neville said sickly. "And you owe me a wizard debt."

"I owe you two days of deserts," Ron replied.

"I think you'll agree you owe me a wizard debt after you hear what I found out," Neville said quickly.

"We'll see," Ron said with a frown. "Well?"

IIIIIIIIII

"Oh 'ermione," Gabrielle said with a cultured smile. "I am so 'appy you came."

"How can I help you?" Hermione asked wearily, she really didn't know the blond part Veela all that well and she was perfectly aware of the fact that this could be a trap.

"I just wanted to know when you were going to kidnap me," Gabrielle said cheerfully. "I'm 'oping now is convenient, I've got everything ready."

"Like what?"

"Like this traditional Veela wedding sack," Gabrielle replied as she held up a large burlap bag proudly. "It 'as silencing charms and lightening charms . . . not that the lightening charms are needed," she added quickly. "Just that they are traditional."

"Very nice." Hermione was more then a little bit impressed by the amount of initiative the other girl had shown. "What's in the other sack?" She indicated another large burlap sack that seemed to contain something vaguely human shaped and struggling.

"Fleur 'as been single far too long," Gabrielle replied. "Won't mama be so 'appy to 'ear that 'er two daughters 'ave both been kidnapped into an 'arem?" Gabrielle said with a sigh, "tres romantique."

"Isn't it just," Hermione agreed tearfully. "Do you want to do this right?"

"But of course." Gabrielle handed Hermione the sack.

"Then get in the sack my little Veela," Hermione growled. "Your days of running free are at an end."

"Oh what am I going to do?" Gabrielle sobbed dramatically as she eagerly helped Hermione throw the sack over her head. "Oh woe is me."

"Comfortable?" Hermione asked just before she closed the sack.

"Oui Merci."

"Good." Hermione closed up the sack and grabbed Fleur's.

IIIIIIIIII

"Fred," Ron called out. "George, I've got a question for you."

"What is it little brother?" George asked with a grin.

"Volunteering to help us test a few of our tricks?"

"No," Ron said quickly. "I just need to know what a Eunuch is?"

"It's horrible," Fred said sickly.

"Unspeakably horrible," George agreed. "In a horribly unspeakable way."

"Why do you ask?"

"So it's not just another way of saying 'super cool wizard' right?" Ron asked seriously.

"Not even close, why?"

"Because Hermione wanted to make me one," Ron replied. "You're not having one on at my expense are you? I asked Neville but he just made up some rot about how Eunuchs didn't have their boys anymore."

"They don't," Fred said sickly. "They . . . they . . ."

"Get cut off," George agreed.

"Really?" Ron asked suspiciously. "You're not having me on are you?"

"Ron . . ."

". . . there are some things you don't joke about."

"Some things you don't ever joke about."

"Merlin."

"You said it little brother."

IIIIIIIIII

"Give up my innocent little maiden?" Tonks growled.

"I'm not really a maiden any longer," Luna replied proudly. "Not since Harry . . ."

"Details later," Tonks interrupted. "And don't break character."

"Sorry, ahem . . . never," Luna said tearfully. "I shall never willingly surrender my virtue to Harry the well endowed."

"Well endowed you say?"

"Very," Luna agreed. "Don't break character."

"Sorry, uh . . . then I shall have to tickle your feet with this feather until you do."

"Oh no . . . you mustn't."

"Bwahaha," Tonks laughed evilly. "And ha again."

IIIIIIIIII

Hermione walked into the great hall and ignored the odd looks shot at the large moving burlap bags on her shoulder.

"Hey Ron could you . . ."

"Get away from me," Ron squealed. Hermione watched in shock as her friend covered his crotch with both hands and fled screaming.

"What's wrong with him?" Shaking it off as unimportant, Hermione continued her journey to the seraglio. She entered the room to find a scene that she hadn't been expecting . . . well, it was the exact scene that she'd been expecting but the payers were reversed. "I thought I told you to break her and not the other way around."

"Tonks said that she wanted her turn first," Luna explained from the chair, "and it sounded like so much fun that well . . ."

"Fine," Hermione sighed. "So long as someone got broken."

"Oh and yes I'll join the harem," Tonks interjected. "Sounds like fun and Luna tells me that the Ministry has to put five zeros on the end of my paycheck and I don't have to do nothing but guard and please Harry."

"That's not strictly true," Hermione lectured, "the five zeros are just for guarding Harry. You get another ten if you please him too."

"Really?" Tonks began drooling.

"Not to mention the free room and board," Hermione agreed. "Speaking of Harry . . ."

"He's asleep in the other room with Hanna and Susan," Luna said, "they wanted to practice their teamwork."

"Good," Hermione said with a profound sense of satisfaction. "Now help me get these open."

"Are those traditional Veela wedding sacks?" Daphne asked.

"Yes why?"

"Wow," the girl squealed, "you really went all out didn't you?"

"All out?"

"In conforming to pureblood harem custom," the Slytherin girl explained. "I'll give you my copy of the big book of harem customs later."

"Big book of harem customs?" Hermione asked eagerly.

"Well . . . that's not it's name of course," Daphne said with a blush, "I just got it for the naughty pictures."

"Naughty pictures?" Luna asked eagerly.

"Later Luna," Hermione said reluctantly, "we've got girls to indoctrinate now."

"Right," Luna agreed.

"Oh dear," Gabrielle said as she crawled out of her traditional Veela wedding sack. "Oh woe, what will become of me, oh you 'ave broken my will and I shall eagerly submit to 'arrie . . . ahem, I shall eagerly submit to 'arrie."

"He's in the other room."

"Merci," Gabrielle said happily.

"Shall I open the other sack now?"

"Do it Luna," Hermione agreed.

"What eez going on?" Fleur demanded after she'd been released from the traditional Veela wedding sack.

"We 'ave married 'arrie," Gabrielle replied. " Tres romantique n'est pas?"

"Oui, eet eez tres romantique." Fleur agreed. "I must go . . . how you say . . . consummate our union since I was in a wedding sack first I must consummate first. You are in 'arrie's 'arem 'ermione?"

"We all are," Hermione agreed. "Isn't it great?"

"Yes very great," Fleur agreed, "um, 'ermione?"

"Yes?"

"Would you like to 'elp me with my consummating?"

"Sure," Hermione agreed.

"You other girls?" Fleur asked. "Would you also like to 'elp me?" The girls all gave their assent and the group began walking towards the bedroom. "Not you my precious sister," Fleur said as Gabrielle moved to join the group. "You must 'ave your own turn after we are finished with the consummating."

"But . . ."

"I am sure that 'arrie will 'ave recovered enough by next week," Fleur said sadistically, "next month at the latest."

"But . . ."

"Just wait out 'ere and listen to us," Fleur said as she closed the door, "and think about what you did."

"But I wanna 'ave my turn with 'arrie now," Gabrielle protested.

Several hours later, a bruised, sweaty, and extremely happy Harry managed to stumble into the hospital wing.

"Madame Pomfrey can I have a moment of your time?" Harry asked nervously.

"What is it Mister Potter?" She sighed.

"Uh . . . well . . . it's a lot of work to deal with a harem, especially a harem that includes two part Veela and I was hoping that you could . . . uh . . . well, the spirit is willing but the flesh is spongy and bruised."

"Top shelf on the left," she said without looking up, "blue smells like raw sewage and tastes worse."

"Thanks," Harry said as he took down the potion.

"Side effects may include rectal bleeding, night terrors, bed wetting, and baldness. Side effects will include genital enlargement and uncontrollable . . . uh . . . friskiness."

"Friskiness?"

"I've generally found that students prefer it when I'm not so detailed," Poppy explained, "if you wish me to explain every little detail . . ."

"That's okay," Harry said quickly.

"The Potion behind it in the green bottle will take care of most of the side effects."

"Most?"

"All but the last two," Poppy said with a smile.

"Thanks Madame Pomfrey," Harry said as he downed the potions, "you're the greatest."

"I try Mister Potter." She'd always liked him, he kept her busy, he complimented her, admittedly he'd made a number of inept attempts at escape when confined to the hospital wing but then again, nobody's perfect.

AN: There really aren't enough fics with Gabrielle. Do have a vague idea for her, kinda hope it grows. If not you've still got this right . . . right?

Omake by: Tommy King

As he pushed his way out of the Great Hall through the students entering Draco felt a hand stop him and looked up to see Harry.

"You know Malfoy, you've been bating us for so long now I'd have thought you'd have mastered it by now, poor you not even managed to master bating."

He pushed the hand away, wondering why all the muggle raised and muggleborn students were sniggering at him. As he went down the stairs to the dungeons he could here him say to Crabbe and Goyle.

"Come on guys, we need to learn to master bating."

Omake: Governing Internships

"What exactly are you doing Ms. Granger?" McGonagall asked sternly. "I thought you were supposed to be practicing your stern looks?"

"Sorry Professor," Hermione said contritely. "But I thought it was more important to get Dumbledore sacked."

"And just why is that?"

"Because if Dumbledore is sacked then Harry will no longer be interning as the Headmaster which will mean that he's a normal student which will mean that I outrank him again."

"I see . . . carry on Ms. Granger."

"Thank you Professor."

It wasn't hard to build a case to have the Headmaster fired for gross incompetents, endangerment of students, and failure to provide an environment conductive to learning . . . as a matter of fact, it was almost depressingly easy to have the Headmaster fired. Hermione was left shaking her head in despair when she looked over the list she'd put together, it really put things in perspective when she thought about it. Casting those thoughts aside as unimportant, Hermione focused on the things that really mattered in her life. Namely getting the Headmaster fired so that Harry would no longer rank her.

Minerva assembled the board and laid out the evidence Hermione had gathered. Not even Dumbledore's staunchest supporters were willing to come to his defense and since Harry had had the Headmaster institutionalized in a crooked retirement home, Dumbledore was unable to come to his own defense.

"Hah," Hermione crowed. "I outrank you again Harry."

"Actually." Harry reached down to polish the knob on his pimp cain. "I'm currently interning with the school Board of Governors so I'm afraid that you don't outrank me since I in fact outrank you."

"Damn you Harry."

"Hmmm?" Harry yawned. "Did you say something Hermione?"

"You had better not slip one of the students a possessed diary Harry Potter," Hermione growled.

"Wouldn't think of it," Harry agreed. "On another note, I got a letter from Ron the other day."

"What did he have to say?"

"He's played in his first game."

"But I thought that he?" Hermione cut off with a puzzled look on her face.

"Don't over think it," Harry advised, "apparently he showed up to one of their games and the other players were so hung over that Ron was the only one to take the field."

"How'd he do?"

"Beat the point spread," Harry said. "Which means the Cannons did better then they've done in years."

"Wow."

"Ron's got all sorts of endorsements coming in now."

"Good for him."

"Yeah," Harry agreed. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to make a little shopping trip."

"To buy what?" She asked suspiciously.

"Not an evil possessed diary," Harry said innocently.

"Or any other evil possessed thing?"

"It's been nice talking to you Hermione but I'm afraid I must be going," Harry said on his way out of the room. "Ta ta."

"Harry . . . Harry answer that question," Hermione demanded as she followed him out of the room.

Omake by ubereng

The Daily Prophet blared, "Dumbledore charter member of Rotfang conspiracy! Removed from Hogwarts!".

"He was always offering candy, you know. Hard stuff to crack teeth and sugary stuff that made them hurt," Says Hogwarts student, Susan Bones, sixteen.

"Master Dumby's candy jar wasn't cleaned in decades. He didn't want us to touch it."

-- Senior Hogwarts elf, SqueeGee, 205 years old.

"That jar had enough bacteria to paralyze a dragon. They would DEFINITELY cause tooth decay or worse"

-- Ministry Auror spokesman who declined to be identified.

"He got on with some bad apples as a teenager. I thought he outgrew it."

-- Aberforth Dumbledore

The lead investigator declined to reveal any further evidence but he said they are confident of conviction and have iron-clad witnesses.

On an unrelated note, Mundungus Fletcher was paroled two years early from Azkaban.


End file.
